An only-slightly-edited excerpt from my journal today (and not at all what I had planned to post):
Abba, You know my heart this morning.
I am full of doubt about everything but You.
Questions without answers – or with too many answers.
On so many topics.
About so many circumstances.
Will I ever get married?
Is that part of the plan or not?
What food did I eat yesterday that my body does not like?
How does prayer work when someone else’s will is in play? You say You direct hearts – but how does that jive with free will? I know You are Sovereign – but what does that look like?
Am I wrong?
Should I be doing something differently in this situation?
What about that one?
I know Your timing and ways are perfect – but I am so weary of wrestling. With all of this. With everything.
My heart cries, “How long, Oh Lord, how long?”
With fuzzy-at-best answers.
So, Abba, what do I know for sure?
These things I know, both from Your Word and from experience:
You are good.
Everything You do is right.
Your timing and ways are perfect.
You loved me enough to die for me – surely that means You love me enough to direct my life.
I do not exist for my happiness.
I do not exist for me.
I exist to bring You glory.
To show Your glory.
To show Your power made perfect in my weaknesses.
This life is not about me.
Not my marital state.
Not my health.
Not my weight.
Not my happiness.
Not my success or failure.
None if it is about me or for me.
It is about You.
And for You.
In the grand scheme of eternity, my questions are small.
Because You are not.
You are not small.
You are the God who created all things.
Crafter of the Grand Canyon.
Designer of the deepest coral reefs.
Creator of the cosmos.
You are God.
You speak and nothing becomes something.
And not just a disorganized blob of something-from-nothing.
But intricate, detailed, astonishingly crafted things.
Like the human hand.
An eyeball from any creature.
And a majestic mountain peak.
You are the King of all Kings, the One Who sits upon the throne.
Holy, terrifyingly holy.
Perfect in all Your ways.
And yet, You are mindful of me.
Just one of billions.
A flower quickly fading.
A single grain of sand from the beach, easily brushed aside.
Made from dust.
And eventually becoming dust again.
At least the part that I am so worried about, so concerned over, so enamored by.
The part that will not live forever consumes my thoughts on a regular basis.
And really is the root of most of my questions.
What will I…?
Where will I…?
How will I…?
All of my questions have one answer.
If I need it, You will supply it.
If I don’t need it, You will withhold it – no matter how much I kick and fuss.
When I sorrow, You will be my comfort.
When I laugh, You laugh with me.
If it concerns me, You know about it and can change it.
And if You do not change it, it is because You see something that I cannot.
You see the greater purpose.
Or the end result.
You see the final outcome.
Or the hidden danger.
Most of all, You see the plan, the path ahead, the things You have planned for me to do and the ways they will be accomplished.
I see none of that.
Because I am tripping over today.
And my feelings.
You are the answer to every question.
And one day, You will yank them all into exclamation points for Your glory.
I may get to see You do that here on earth.
Or I may not understand until heaven.
I have to search Your Word to find out Your thoughts on a matter.
And I have to choose to believe You are Who You say You are and will do all You say You will do.
I may have to wait to get the details to the answers.
But in the meantime, You are The Answer.
So I lay my questions on Your altar.
And not just this moment in the quiet of my house, with coffee by my side and a cat curled up against me.
But every moment that they occur.
Each time they come.
I will choose to bring them to You as a living sacrifice.
Not stewing over answers I cannot find.
But laying them before You.
Knowing You are at work.
Even when I cannot see.
Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Even when I do not understand.
I will walk by faith and not by sight.
I will trust in You with all my heart.
I will choose to not lean on my limited me.
But I will seek You first in every question.
In every circumstance.
Because You are my Creator.
And because You are my King.
Because You chose to die for me rather than live separated from me.
And because you rose again which means this life is just the title page to the real life that is waiting.
Because You love me just as I am.
And because You love me too much to leave me that way.
Because You are worth it every time.
And because You are The Answer.
Every time. For every question. Period.